A Mind In Distress

Oh what can be said that already hasn't been said? That's right, I haven't said anything yet. Well this is my first blog post ever, unless you count facebook. I guess the first thing up for discussion will be what happened two nights ago. After going to a party with 15 people crammed in a 4 person townhouse, I came back with my friend Ben to hang out with our Resident Director Jon Hessel. We played games for a couple ours or so then we left the apartment and to our rooms. Oh and by the way, this is in a dorm. I came back and watched Donnie Darko which was a suprisingly good movie. Time travel is quite interesting but anyways.

After watching that movie something came over me. I couldn't go to sleep or anything so I went downstairs into one of our lobbies and sat at the desk with my laptop. I started typing in things that popped in my head to look up on google search. I typed in "unfocused", "uncreative", "depression", and more that I can't quite remember. Then I go outside while it is raining and start to pace back and forth spouting all sorts of things. I do this for about a half hour telling myself that I'm false, and that I need to leave MBU, I need to quit my job and start somewhere fresh. I even used a cussword when spouting off which is very rare for me. D$%@. I then decided, how much can I get for my car if I sell it. When should I tell my boss and my RD that I'm leaving school and quiting my job. What am I going to tell them? I don't have much of a reason for this. In fact it was very unreasonable that I do this because I only have one more year left here, which means I only have to work here one more year, and I have free room and board as an RA. I would be totally screwing myself over as well as my bosses.

My head finally cleared after I went and talked to my dad about the whole thing. It was just me and him talking in the West County Mall food court while eating some chinese...which I didn't even finish! I remember telling my friend Ben, a fellow RA, about what I did and walking in the rain and such and right after I told him that I was talking to myself he just looked at me and said, "Most people seek help for that." I thought nothing of it until it was me doing it in the middle of a rain storm. I was told that it was a little emo to do so. I remember doing it once before in high school when I took a long walk around my neighborhood at about 9 at night. It was just me and God talking to one another. Me speaking and him showing me things in my mind that is. Not his acual voice but I have often wondered, "What does God sound like?" In any case my mind is not as distressed as it was a couple nights ago but I'm sure this will come again because it often does I just don't talk to myself or others about it.