Posts
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The End of This and the Start of a New...This :)
So I think I'm going to stop using this blog. Probably in the next couple weeks I will build one up and title it better for the vision or pursuit that I want it to take. Yup so hopefully I will test my creativity, or the lack there of, when it comes to writing and aesthetics of the website. It might not even be on blogspot... In any case, thanks for reading for those who read, which is few of you :) Looking forward to the change that is to come. Maybe more fun, exciting, and not so much the telling of how my day went :) Hopefully make things either more concise, academic, but yet have some articles that are more loose.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Confusion...Indecisiveness...Doubt...for what? Part 2
So here I am at Midwestern in Kansas City, MO (May 29th) checking it out to see what some of my close friends have been hollering about. I'm on main campus, which in my mind is not much to look at but not a good enough reason to toss the seminary. It covers a lot of ground with not a whole lot of structures to balance it so it gives you one of those, "I'm back from the city Ma!" feelings. I'm on my tour with Rusty, the admissions director I believe, and we are just sitting in his office one on one talking about the seminary, my call to ministry, what my vision looks like and on and on. Then it's lunch time and we go with a couple checking out the seminary and Dr. McAlpin who is the Dean of Students which by the way, Dr. McAlpin is a stud in my opinion. He is a man searching after the truth and not necessarily tradition while instated in a school/convention that is traditional and somewhat over conservative.
After lunch I told Dr. McAlpin some pretty upfront but honest statements about why I at first never considered Midwestern. I told him that I was told to look elsewhere, that Southern was the way to go, and that the school itself was under some kind of transition. With those statements I asked him, "Now do you know why they might have told me these things?" He fired right back with well thought out, concerned, and wise words concerning the convention, school, and staff. He explained that the transition is really about the convention of the MBC more so then the school itself. He continued with the super conservatives that were in office at the time basically being pushed out because of their legalism. I believe the words he said, "They got embarassed." When it came to the staff he went right out there and said that he would match their staff with Southern any day. Now he didn't say how well they would do but was/is willing to put them on the front lines against what most consider some of the best minds of theology in our day as a whole.
After this visit I explained to him the fact that I was forced to live on campus do to finances but that I was wanting an off-campus apartment to be close to a church plant that I knew of in Midtown Kansas City, MO (Midtown Community Church). He got on the phone and gave me a name of someone he knew and said that he would probably be in contact with me. It wasn't but 10 mins later and I got a call from Andrew who has a 3 bedroom apartment wanting 4 guys total (needing 2 more) and after the initial costs of the deposit and such it would only be $150/month!
So here I am driving back to my home of St. Louis thinking wow I could really live here, do ministry with a new and thriving body of believers, have a cheap way to go about schooling and living expenses, and go to a school where I feel comfortable with the staff. Here is the catch...I decided to go back and visit Southern the very next weekend!
To be continued...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Confusion...Indecisiveness...Doubt...for what? Part 1
In recent weeks I have been beating my brain, talking to several individuals whose opinions I respect very much, and I have been receiving headaches over these phrases: "Everything is up to date in Kansas City" and "Louisville Sluggers". What I'm talking about here is which seminary do I attend?
Since about late February maybe early March I was sold on the fact that I was going to attend The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. I was highly influenced to make this decision by the staff members of my home church of FBC De Soto and by faculty/staff members of Missouri Baptist University. At first of course I was not wanting to go there because that is all our religion department students talked about and I was not really too fond of that particular student body as a whole. But alas I applied, got accepted, made a deposit for housing and was very much on my way to Louisville 5 months prior to me leaving St. Louis. Now here comes the kicker.
My roommate and close friend Arthur went to Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary to pick up his brother Cody. Cody was gone on mission in the Sudan of Africa for 15 months! Upon his return, May 23rd I think, Arthur explained to me that he had a campus tour at Midwestern and that he had made the choice of going there over MidAmerica (Memphis, TN) and Southern. He continued to chatter about the whole experience and his conversation with Dr. McAlpin who is the Dean of Students of MBTS. It got me thinking and on a whim, I made an appointment that night to go have a campus tour at MBTS for the following Friday. That is where the confusion, indecisiveness, and doubt began.
To be continued...
Since about late February maybe early March I was sold on the fact that I was going to attend The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. I was highly influenced to make this decision by the staff members of my home church of FBC De Soto and by faculty/staff members of Missouri Baptist University. At first of course I was not wanting to go there because that is all our religion department students talked about and I was not really too fond of that particular student body as a whole. But alas I applied, got accepted, made a deposit for housing and was very much on my way to Louisville 5 months prior to me leaving St. Louis. Now here comes the kicker.
My roommate and close friend Arthur went to Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary to pick up his brother Cody. Cody was gone on mission in the Sudan of Africa for 15 months! Upon his return, May 23rd I think, Arthur explained to me that he had a campus tour at Midwestern and that he had made the choice of going there over MidAmerica (Memphis, TN) and Southern. He continued to chatter about the whole experience and his conversation with Dr. McAlpin who is the Dean of Students of MBTS. It got me thinking and on a whim, I made an appointment that night to go have a campus tour at MBTS for the following Friday. That is where the confusion, indecisiveness, and doubt began.
To be continued...
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
God's Mission
Alright so a couple weeks ago we had a small dialogue in one of my classes about "God's Mission". Well, it seemed like it was anonymous around the class that "God's Mission" is to redeem humanity. I could not be more concerned about how much we think about ourselves over what God's true mission is.
When I was first asked the question I said, "To make God famous!" The response is actually a little too simple and should have been more like, "To spread His Gospel Truth wherever we are." In any case, I was shot down as that response being the full picture of "God's Mission." The problem I have with that is this, "That would mean that God has failed!" This is not truth!!! God has not failed. I'm sorry ya'll to break it to you but...people go to Hell! When people go to Hell, it means that they are not redeemed and if "God's Mission" is to redeem humanity, that would mean He has fallen short of it which I am not sorry to say is NOT TRUE!!! The simpler truth of God's Mission is this, "Spread the Truth of the Gospel" We forget the fact that the cross was not about us...or at least not in its entirety. Humanity was secondary if even that when it came to giving God the Father glory over all. God did not think of us "Above All" as the song portrays that some of us have grown to know.
The day that Jesus was crucified and died, was the day that justice (wrath) and grace kissed! His great affection for us whom He created and the justice that we so deserved because we sinned and smeared God's name in the dirt became intimate at the moment of Christ being crucified. He is first and He is last. The Alpha and the Omega. God giving us mercy and grace and love is to give Himself glory. God's rage against man's evil was put on the Lamb to give God glory. God's Mission is proclaiming Himself and sharing the wonders of who He is, what He has done, and what He will do. God's Gospel is above "our" redemption. This is not to downplay the fact that God loves us and that He gave His Son for us but it is to show that His love was/is based on Him being praised, glorified, and honored on His terms.
We are not the center of the Bible...our redemption is not the center of the Bible...God and His Truth is the center of the Bible. When we all realize, myself included, that it is about God and His glory more so then us being redeemed (those who are regenerated) the better our worship to God will be.
Our discipleship will be greater...our evangelism will be greater...and our God will be most glorified in us.
When I was first asked the question I said, "To make God famous!" The response is actually a little too simple and should have been more like, "To spread His Gospel Truth wherever we are." In any case, I was shot down as that response being the full picture of "God's Mission." The problem I have with that is this, "That would mean that God has failed!" This is not truth!!! God has not failed. I'm sorry ya'll to break it to you but...people go to Hell! When people go to Hell, it means that they are not redeemed and if "God's Mission" is to redeem humanity, that would mean He has fallen short of it which I am not sorry to say is NOT TRUE!!! The simpler truth of God's Mission is this, "Spread the Truth of the Gospel" We forget the fact that the cross was not about us...or at least not in its entirety. Humanity was secondary if even that when it came to giving God the Father glory over all. God did not think of us "Above All" as the song portrays that some of us have grown to know.
The day that Jesus was crucified and died, was the day that justice (wrath) and grace kissed! His great affection for us whom He created and the justice that we so deserved because we sinned and smeared God's name in the dirt became intimate at the moment of Christ being crucified. He is first and He is last. The Alpha and the Omega. God giving us mercy and grace and love is to give Himself glory. God's rage against man's evil was put on the Lamb to give God glory. God's Mission is proclaiming Himself and sharing the wonders of who He is, what He has done, and what He will do. God's Gospel is above "our" redemption. This is not to downplay the fact that God loves us and that He gave His Son for us but it is to show that His love was/is based on Him being praised, glorified, and honored on His terms.
We are not the center of the Bible...our redemption is not the center of the Bible...God and His Truth is the center of the Bible. When we all realize, myself included, that it is about God and His glory more so then us being redeemed (those who are regenerated) the better our worship to God will be.
Our discipleship will be greater...our evangelism will be greater...and our God will be most glorified in us.
Friday, January 30, 2009
A Note to God from Haiti
When I was in Haiti, which is where I'll be going again this summer, Gary Hippolite asked all of us to write a letter to God. I can't quite remember all the specifics that he asked us to write to God but in any case I just received the letter that I wrote over 8 months ago. Here is what I wrote, bad grammar and all:
Dear God,
What you have shown me here is beyond anything that I have ever gone through. You brought a broken, weak minded, lacking faith boy here to Haiti. My thoughts about going to this trip was like any other I had gone to. You have truly shown what service is. You have truly shown what was said in Hebrews about how you will never leave us or forsake us. Us being your children. Us being the people of Haiti. You have staked your claim on this island. You have taken me, a person whose lack of confidence in himself and in your power to a place that I can never be the same. You have brought me to repentance, you have brought me to humility, and I was able to lean on people whom I barely know. It is by your love and grace only that these things were possible. God you have brought me drive and vision to spread your word to people who are unable to appreciate all the things they have been blessed with. You have brought me to a place of grace. You have brought me to a place of community. You have brought (me) to a place of family. Lord, I know that (you) have been willing me to step out into the harvest and be a laborer for the kingdom. I may not know where I'm going or what I'm doing but I know that in all things and all that I do I will bring you glory. I will show your light. I can't be afraid anymore to step out or to over wait. God I know you are calling me to do greater things. Even though I am weak, your strength is made perfect. You say in your word that I am indispensable. The purpose you brought me here to Haiti was to express the faith I have in (you) that I hide so conveniently. Lord, I know that it is only by you that your light can shine through me and in me. God as you were building that house for those needy people, you were building a house in me! One that was much firmer and stronger than the one I tried building myself. Thank you Lord for the compassion you have for your people. Thank you Lord for drawing us near to you even when we are drifting far from you. Oh Lord I love thee! Your will above all else my purpose remains. The thought of losing myself in bringing you praise.
Your undone and willing servant,
John Barnes
Dear God,
What you have shown me here is beyond anything that I have ever gone through. You brought a broken, weak minded, lacking faith boy here to Haiti. My thoughts about going to this trip was like any other I had gone to. You have truly shown what service is. You have truly shown what was said in Hebrews about how you will never leave us or forsake us. Us being your children. Us being the people of Haiti. You have staked your claim on this island. You have taken me, a person whose lack of confidence in himself and in your power to a place that I can never be the same. You have brought me to repentance, you have brought me to humility, and I was able to lean on people whom I barely know. It is by your love and grace only that these things were possible. God you have brought me drive and vision to spread your word to people who are unable to appreciate all the things they have been blessed with. You have brought me to a place of grace. You have brought me to a place of community. You have brought (me) to a place of family. Lord, I know that (you) have been willing me to step out into the harvest and be a laborer for the kingdom. I may not know where I'm going or what I'm doing but I know that in all things and all that I do I will bring you glory. I will show your light. I can't be afraid anymore to step out or to over wait. God I know you are calling me to do greater things. Even though I am weak, your strength is made perfect. You say in your word that I am indispensable. The purpose you brought me here to Haiti was to express the faith I have in (you) that I hide so conveniently. Lord, I know that it is only by you that your light can shine through me and in me. God as you were building that house for those needy people, you were building a house in me! One that was much firmer and stronger than the one I tried building myself. Thank you Lord for the compassion you have for your people. Thank you Lord for drawing us near to you even when we are drifting far from you. Oh Lord I love thee! Your will above all else my purpose remains. The thought of losing myself in bringing you praise.
Your undone and willing servant,
John Barnes
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Haiti
This past summer I had the privilege to go over seas on a mission trip to Haiti. If you don't know much about Haiti, it is the poorest country this side of the hemisphere. I believe 80% of the population is unemployed and about 85 to 90% live in poverty. People have to eat mud cookies to fill their bellies so that they don't starve. The populace speak either French or Creole (a dialect of french for the commoners). The country is based on a mix of Catholic, Voodoo, witch doctors, animalists. There are no traffic laws so people go as fast or as slow as they wish and gas is extremely high. We are talking 5 or 6 bucks a gallon and this is a poor poor country! This is a place where a person's home could be a piece of sheet metal that they use to cover their head when it is raining! But don't get the wrong impression from these facts...GOD IS STILL THERE!
15 people, 13 from Missouri Baptist University, went on this trek to help out a small school in croix de bouquets, Haiti. This school is known as the Bethel Church Outreach and is funded through IHOP (International House of Prayer). The one who leads this outreach is Pastor Gary Hippolite. Let me tell you, this guy knows the gospel and he shows it through his life each day. He thinks logically and worships expressively. He actually came and visited Missouri Baptist University for a chapel service on October 16th, 2008 for our Mission Minded service. He has truly brought light into a dark place, by the power of Christ who is in him! What I found so amazing about this man, let me infasize MAN, is that after leaving Haiti, he gained a wife, children and a house to go with it. As he and his wife prayed about it, they sold their house to start God's mission in Haiti. He lives in Haiti every other month and while he comes back to the states, gains support, then goes back to Haiti with much needed food. At the outreach that he built, he has created a free Christian School for about 200 children. While here at the school, the children are given an education that they would never get other wise, enjoy recreational activities such as soccer and basketball, and are given a free meal for lunch time.
Though the Haitians are in a country filled with poverty, pullution, and dangerous religous practices, they have a calmness about them that I have never seen. They seemed very content with their position in life, the ones we kept in contact with. They were not dependant on luxuries, clean water, plumbing, electricity (for the most part), cars, nor do they always have a meal. They are a people very open to the Gospel because it brings nothing but good news to them. It gives them a hope that surpasses all that we take for granted here in America.
The children were the most loving children and well disciplined. There really wasn't much whining or complaining or outbursts. Their parents instilled in them honor, respect, and love for others around them. Those of us who went were shown so much love and were seen as family...a distant family :) When we arrived in Haiti and arrived at the outreach, we already saw the love they had for us. They had prepared a meal for us, let us eat first, attended to any of our needs, and were always always praying for us and the mission God had in store. It's hard to even imagine that I might not go back this upcoming May. They helped me see through my constant whinings of what I wished I had or wishing I had better then what I did have. The experience I had there was greater then most others I have had in my lifetime (which isn't really that long). They are brothers and sisters that I will never forget. I may forget their names or what they looked like, but I will never forget the love they clearly had for us and for our mighty God!
15 people, 13 from Missouri Baptist University, went on this trek to help out a small school in croix de bouquets, Haiti. This school is known as the Bethel Church Outreach and is funded through IHOP (International House of Prayer). The one who leads this outreach is Pastor Gary Hippolite. Let me tell you, this guy knows the gospel and he shows it through his life each day. He thinks logically and worships expressively. He actually came and visited Missouri Baptist University for a chapel service on October 16th, 2008 for our Mission Minded service. He has truly brought light into a dark place, by the power of Christ who is in him! What I found so amazing about this man, let me infasize MAN, is that after leaving Haiti, he gained a wife, children and a house to go with it. As he and his wife prayed about it, they sold their house to start God's mission in Haiti. He lives in Haiti every other month and while he comes back to the states, gains support, then goes back to Haiti with much needed food. At the outreach that he built, he has created a free Christian School for about 200 children. While here at the school, the children are given an education that they would never get other wise, enjoy recreational activities such as soccer and basketball, and are given a free meal for lunch time.
Though the Haitians are in a country filled with poverty, pullution, and dangerous religous practices, they have a calmness about them that I have never seen. They seemed very content with their position in life, the ones we kept in contact with. They were not dependant on luxuries, clean water, plumbing, electricity (for the most part), cars, nor do they always have a meal. They are a people very open to the Gospel because it brings nothing but good news to them. It gives them a hope that surpasses all that we take for granted here in America.
The children were the most loving children and well disciplined. There really wasn't much whining or complaining or outbursts. Their parents instilled in them honor, respect, and love for others around them. Those of us who went were shown so much love and were seen as family...a distant family :) When we arrived in Haiti and arrived at the outreach, we already saw the love they had for us. They had prepared a meal for us, let us eat first, attended to any of our needs, and were always always praying for us and the mission God had in store. It's hard to even imagine that I might not go back this upcoming May. They helped me see through my constant whinings of what I wished I had or wishing I had better then what I did have. The experience I had there was greater then most others I have had in my lifetime (which isn't really that long). They are brothers and sisters that I will never forget. I may forget their names or what they looked like, but I will never forget the love they clearly had for us and for our mighty God!
Sunday, November 30, 2008
What's On My Mind
Wow...as of late there has been a lot going on in the rafters of my little pee brain. I have several choices to make in the next few months. Some will be good and I'm sure will be bad. The first thing on the list is where I am going to do my internship at. Well I see it this way; it will either be at the current church that I am attending, the Journey, or my home town church, First Baptist Church of De Soto. I got an application to fill out for the Journey but I don't think I'll be filling it out. Not because it is a long list of things to do but because I really think I should go back to my home church where they have helped me out so much over the years. Also, the Journey internship would probably drive me into the ground with all the fund raising and I would have to commit to a full year. Then I wouldn't be able to go to the seminary that I would want to attend which I will talk about next.
Next thing on the list is what am I going to do when I graduate? This struck me about a couple months ago that I should think about seminary. So I did some digging and I think I found the place I really want to go to...Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. It's in Forth Worth, TX if you didn't know. It has a concentration that I have found to be very interesting...Christian Ethics. This is under the umbrella of the Masters in Divinity program where I would take 12 extra hours toward this concentration. I might even use my elective credits to finish up the division of Christian Ethics. Now my purpose is not to become a pastor! My purpose for wanting to get an M. Div. in Christian Ethics is to merely increase my knowledge and ability to minister within the church. I still feel completely called to the Music Ministry as a Music Minister but I feel that I would be lacking in my teaching ability as a minister which is why I prefer Music Minister over Worship Leader. I want to be more then a guy who plays or sings music on Sunday mornings and prepares all week for music. I want to be a minister who does music on Sundays as well!
All this stuff sounds all well and good but now I find myself in a greater dilemma...money! I keep thinking about how I might pay for school, live in a university apt., get food, pay insurance on a car, health insurance to live in university apartments, gas, etc. I just got enough money to pay for my first semester at Southwestern, if I get accepted that is. I don't want to have to deal with loans and borrowing money. I would already get half-off of tuition for being Southern Baptist but I really don't qualify for many other scholarship opportunities. Why does money always have to cause so much grief?!
Now here is the final problem...I have to actually apply for the place that I would like to attend! Then I have to get accepted! I have completed about half of the application but I keep stalling when it comes to finishing the whole thing. I guess it's just the thought of being far away from friends, MBU, my dad and I have an awesome work environment that pays me well for how long I've been there. All I can do is surrender it to God. He holds my life, my future, my plans in His hands. For as much as I worry, I should be on me knees more often taking it in prayer to God!
Next thing on the list is what am I going to do when I graduate? This struck me about a couple months ago that I should think about seminary. So I did some digging and I think I found the place I really want to go to...Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. It's in Forth Worth, TX if you didn't know. It has a concentration that I have found to be very interesting...Christian Ethics. This is under the umbrella of the Masters in Divinity program where I would take 12 extra hours toward this concentration. I might even use my elective credits to finish up the division of Christian Ethics. Now my purpose is not to become a pastor! My purpose for wanting to get an M. Div. in Christian Ethics is to merely increase my knowledge and ability to minister within the church. I still feel completely called to the Music Ministry as a Music Minister but I feel that I would be lacking in my teaching ability as a minister which is why I prefer Music Minister over Worship Leader. I want to be more then a guy who plays or sings music on Sunday mornings and prepares all week for music. I want to be a minister who does music on Sundays as well!
All this stuff sounds all well and good but now I find myself in a greater dilemma...money! I keep thinking about how I might pay for school, live in a university apt., get food, pay insurance on a car, health insurance to live in university apartments, gas, etc. I just got enough money to pay for my first semester at Southwestern, if I get accepted that is. I don't want to have to deal with loans and borrowing money. I would already get half-off of tuition for being Southern Baptist but I really don't qualify for many other scholarship opportunities. Why does money always have to cause so much grief?!
Now here is the final problem...I have to actually apply for the place that I would like to attend! Then I have to get accepted! I have completed about half of the application but I keep stalling when it comes to finishing the whole thing. I guess it's just the thought of being far away from friends, MBU, my dad and I have an awesome work environment that pays me well for how long I've been there. All I can do is surrender it to God. He holds my life, my future, my plans in His hands. For as much as I worry, I should be on me knees more often taking it in prayer to God!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
What is it about free that they don't understand?
I'm sure you have all heard of and seen the commercials for Free Credit Report.com. I happened to be one of many people who tried it out about 8 months ago or so. It was great to actually see my credit report and that it was so good. Little did I know that they would be charging me 8 months or so later for 14.95. I found out after I called Triple Advantage, who are the ones behind Free Credit Report, that it was due to me not ending my account after the 30 day free trial. Well, I never remember even reading such a thing when signing up for the thing and it wasn't like I really got any real updated information when I checked back with it anyways!
So what did I do to rectify this situation. I google searched Triple Advantage and I found this review on knowzy http://www.knowzy.com/Personal_Finance/Credit/Credit_Monitoring_Is_A_Rip_Off-StepByStep-Canceling_CIC_TripleAdvantage.htm#1CallCIC. It gave me all the knowledge I needed, not only to cancel my account with them but to also get a refund for what I was wrongly charged for!!! So I called them up and the first thing that I said was that I would like to have my account cancelled. Then this guy started spouting out all this information about stolen credit card information and how I needed to stay with them. He then told me that he would keep it active after I just told him that I wanted it cancelled. I came back with, "I want it cancelled and I want a refund as well." "Well sir," he says, "I can cancel your account but we have a strict 'no refund' policy." This was clearly a lie because the review told me about their 3800 complaints to the Better Business Bureau concerning these charges that should not be made on a "free credit report." I told this guy what I knew about that and he kindly told me he would cancel my account and refund me for the month's charges that they WRONGLY charged on my credit card! Just say the magic words of "Better Business Bureau" and they are almost willing to do anything to appease you. That was a fun time.
So what did I do to rectify this situation. I google searched Triple Advantage and I found this review on knowzy http://www.knowzy.com/Personal_Finance/Credit/Credit_Monitoring_Is_A_Rip_Off-StepByStep-Canceling_CIC_TripleAdvantage.htm#1CallCIC. It gave me all the knowledge I needed, not only to cancel my account with them but to also get a refund for what I was wrongly charged for!!! So I called them up and the first thing that I said was that I would like to have my account cancelled. Then this guy started spouting out all this information about stolen credit card information and how I needed to stay with them. He then told me that he would keep it active after I just told him that I wanted it cancelled. I came back with, "I want it cancelled and I want a refund as well." "Well sir," he says, "I can cancel your account but we have a strict 'no refund' policy." This was clearly a lie because the review told me about their 3800 complaints to the Better Business Bureau concerning these charges that should not be made on a "free credit report." I told this guy what I knew about that and he kindly told me he would cancel my account and refund me for the month's charges that they WRONGLY charged on my credit card! Just say the magic words of "Better Business Bureau" and they are almost willing to do anything to appease you. That was a fun time.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
A Mind In Distress
Oh what can be said that already hasn't been said? That's right, I haven't said anything yet. Well this is my first blog post ever, unless you count facebook. I guess the first thing up for discussion will be what happened two nights ago. After going to a party with 15 people crammed in a 4 person townhouse, I came back with my friend Ben to hang out with our Resident Director Jon Hessel. We played games for a couple ours or so then we left the apartment and to our rooms. Oh and by the way, this is in a dorm. I came back and watched Donnie Darko which was a suprisingly good movie. Time travel is quite interesting but anyways.
After watching that movie something came over me. I couldn't go to sleep or anything so I went downstairs into one of our lobbies and sat at the desk with my laptop. I started typing in things that popped in my head to look up on google search. I typed in "unfocused", "uncreative", "depression", and more that I can't quite remember. Then I go outside while it is raining and start to pace back and forth spouting all sorts of things. I do this for about a half hour telling myself that I'm false, and that I need to leave MBU, I need to quit my job and start somewhere fresh. I even used a cussword when spouting off which is very rare for me. D$%@. I then decided, how much can I get for my car if I sell it. When should I tell my boss and my RD that I'm leaving school and quiting my job. What am I going to tell them? I don't have much of a reason for this. In fact it was very unreasonable that I do this because I only have one more year left here, which means I only have to work here one more year, and I have free room and board as an RA. I would be totally screwing myself over as well as my bosses.
My head finally cleared after I went and talked to my dad about the whole thing. It was just me and him talking in the West County Mall food court while eating some chinese...which I didn't even finish! I remember telling my friend Ben, a fellow RA, about what I did and walking in the rain and such and right after I told him that I was talking to myself he just looked at me and said, "Most people seek help for that." I thought nothing of it until it was me doing it in the middle of a rain storm. I was told that it was a little emo to do so. I remember doing it once before in high school when I took a long walk around my neighborhood at about 9 at night. It was just me and God talking to one another. Me speaking and him showing me things in my mind that is. Not his acual voice but I have often wondered, "What does God sound like?" In any case my mind is not as distressed as it was a couple nights ago but I'm sure this will come again because it often does I just don't talk to myself or others about it.
After watching that movie something came over me. I couldn't go to sleep or anything so I went downstairs into one of our lobbies and sat at the desk with my laptop. I started typing in things that popped in my head to look up on google search. I typed in "unfocused", "uncreative", "depression", and more that I can't quite remember. Then I go outside while it is raining and start to pace back and forth spouting all sorts of things. I do this for about a half hour telling myself that I'm false, and that I need to leave MBU, I need to quit my job and start somewhere fresh. I even used a cussword when spouting off which is very rare for me. D$%@. I then decided, how much can I get for my car if I sell it. When should I tell my boss and my RD that I'm leaving school and quiting my job. What am I going to tell them? I don't have much of a reason for this. In fact it was very unreasonable that I do this because I only have one more year left here, which means I only have to work here one more year, and I have free room and board as an RA. I would be totally screwing myself over as well as my bosses.
My head finally cleared after I went and talked to my dad about the whole thing. It was just me and him talking in the West County Mall food court while eating some chinese...which I didn't even finish! I remember telling my friend Ben, a fellow RA, about what I did and walking in the rain and such and right after I told him that I was talking to myself he just looked at me and said, "Most people seek help for that." I thought nothing of it until it was me doing it in the middle of a rain storm. I was told that it was a little emo to do so. I remember doing it once before in high school when I took a long walk around my neighborhood at about 9 at night. It was just me and God talking to one another. Me speaking and him showing me things in my mind that is. Not his acual voice but I have often wondered, "What does God sound like?" In any case my mind is not as distressed as it was a couple nights ago but I'm sure this will come again because it often does I just don't talk to myself or others about it.
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